FRIENDS...

Friends are very special people who accept each other with a unconditional caring.

They recognize each other's talents and faults and acknowledge them without judgment.

They are incapable of turning away when times are tough and life's problems seem hard to bear.

Instead, they encourage each other so they can enjoy the good times and find strength to endure the bad times.

They're never afraid to say what they feel and can be honest without causing hurt or pain.

They can depend on each other because they have the kind of trust that allows them to share the best and worst of their lives with laughter and without fear.

May you be this kind of friend...

By Andrea L. Hines - Blue Mountain Arts

Lord, I Surrender

Lord, I surrender all that I am and all that I possess to You today.

I fully understand and am very thankful for all that You have blessed me with. 

I know that with Your blessings comes responsibilities.  

I ask that You forgive me when I look to other people or material items for happiness and fulfillment.

I know You are my source.  I know You are my strength.  I know You are my everything.

You define the quality of my life.

I give my life back to You today, fully surrendered and fully devoted to Your cause.

I love You and thank You for being Lord of my life.

Amen

Differentiation

“Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when friends and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re ‘losing themselves’ and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still ‘know who they are’. They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.” (p.56)

“Differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.” (p. 57)

“Emotional fusion is the opposite of differentiation.”(p.57)

“Emotional fusion is connection without separation… Emotional fusion is a tenacious emotional link between people that allows anxiety to flow between them. It arises as the consequence of incomplete emotional development, wherein each partner relies on the other to support and supplant is or her functioning. (“Few of us are highly developed when we marry-marriage itself makes us grow up. To the degree that you are not a well-developed human, you will be emotionally fused with the people around you.” p. 295) I’m not referring to some kind of unconscious feeling, but rather a tangible process by which people pass anxiety between them.” (p. 116)

“Lack of differentiation alienates us from those we love. Emotional fusion deceives us into thinking that we’re not connected and we move away in defense. But the deeper truth is that we have to move away to counterbalance the tremendous impact we feel our spouse has on us. Or, unable to turn away, we turn ourselves over to the connection, but it feels engulfing.” (p. 57)

“Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or when you are not in a primary love relationship.” (p. 67).

“The differentiated self is solid but permeable, allowing you to remain close even when your partner tries to mold or manipulate you.” (p. 67).

“Differentiation doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions. You can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in his or her emotions. You can evaluate your emotions (and your partner’s) both subjectively and objectively. You have feelings, but they don’t control you or define your sense of self.” (p. 68).

“…we emerge from our family of origin at about the highest level of differentiation our parents achieved. Our basic level of differentiation is pretty much established by adolescence and can remain at that level for life. In the process of regulating their own emotions, poorly differentiated parents pressure their children for togetherness or distance, which stops children from developing their ability to think, feel, and act for themselves. They learn to conduct themselves only in reaction to others.” (p. 69).

“By now the paradoxes of differentiation should be clear: while differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It’s about getting closer and more distinct-rather than more distant. “ (p. 74).

Excerpts compiled by Anne Hays from Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Five Traumas

Dr. Terry Wardle, Ashland Theological Seminary, has described five types of trauma:

Type A - not getting what a child (legitimately) needs in the early developmental stages of life.
Comes in the form of withholding -- touch, love, safety, positive affirmations. Impacts how a
child sees the world around them.

Type B - getting what a child does not need in the early developmental stages of life. Comes in
the form of punishment, abuse (sexual, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual), criticism, etc.
Impacts how a child sees himself or herself.

Type C - event trauma    This happens in our environment -- accidents, natural disasters

Type D - betrayal trauma     When someone betrays a sacred trust. It is a betrayal because of a power differential or age differential. One person holds significant influence over another. Examples: coach, teacher, parent, step-parent, member of extended family, and/or older sibling.

Type E - sustained duress    This is the "water torture" of trauma. The exposure is persistent and pervasive and causes the person to "wear" the trauma. (You're stupid!) Constant message that you are less than others around you.


Look at each of these carefully.

Do you recognize any of them (or all of them) being present in your life?

How has trauma impacted you?

Have you sought help or are you trying to hanging there and let it dissipate on its own?

Is there anything the Lord wants you to do right now?

Living in Community

Life on earth is treacherous. No one escapes injury. No one!

From most vantage points, Earth looks like a beautiful place. No one suspects the degrees of darkness and danger inherently present. Originally, Earth was created to be a garden.  Since the Fall of Man, it's been relegated to hell on earth.  Satan and his minions, the evil ways and philosophies of the world, and the indwelling principle of flesh wreak havoc.  From our first breath to our last, we undergo intense, intentional, and continual assaults on our persons and our environment.

Most often, we are hurt by those closest to us.  The culprits of our demise include our: mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers (other extended family members), friends, co-workers, and/or bosses. The proximity of close relationships and the frequency of interactions insure multiple opportunities for injurious exchanges.  When injured, our responses include: concealing, denying, minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, or excusing the injury.  If multiple injuries are sustained, most of us will isolate in an effort to protect ourselves from further harm.  The bad thing about isolation is it leads to eccentricity.  In the case of a life-time of on-going injuries, our perspective about life, God, people, ourselves, safety, risk, reality and truth is thoroughly affected.   

Although we are HURT in community; our greatest chance to HEAL is in community.   Healing takes place when there are people in our lives who care and love us extravagantly.  We heal when someone has the courage to look at our dark junk, sit in it with us, and refuse to run away or abandon us. We heal when we are loved with the love of Jesus Christ as He manifests Himself through brothers and sisters in Christ.  

What is your "community" like?  Do you have one?  Do you have one person in your life who will walk with you as you journey toward God?  Are you a safe person for those around you? These are important questions.  Take some time to ponder them.  Ask the Lord for direction on how to be a vibrant part of a Godly community.  

Blessings, 

Murphy

Your First Date

Do you remember your first date?

My first date took place while I was in 7th grade. He guy rode his bike to the school dance and my father dropped me off. I wore an emerald green dress that was satin. I was scared and nervous. Throughout the evening, we danced and laughed and danced some more. We had a great time.

Think about it. We had a great time! Yet, there was no expensive dinner or limousine. There were no party pics and there was no "good night (I don't know what I'm doing) kiss." Yet, it was a lot of fun.

What made the evening so good? Primarily it was because I felt special, beautiful, and chosen.

Every woman longs to be: noticed, pursued, and appreciated. Every woman desires to be chosen and SPECIAL. Every woman needs to know she is valued and attractive. Every woman wants to have a sense of hope for the future. Women want healthy relationships and healthy intimacy.

There are tons of life-lessons and messages we learn along the way. Often, we learn messages like: you are ordinary; you are common. Sometimes we receive messages that define us like: you are expendable and disposable. This kind of treatment, or shall I say maltreatment, leads us to believe that we are unimportant, disqualified, and worthless. Along the way, we begin to feel devalued and dishonored. We are not viewed as ones who are made in the image of God.

In the book, The Sacred Romance, the authors (B. Curtis & J. Eldredge) wrote, "We come into the world longing to be special to someone and from the start we are disappointed. It is a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is -- not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself..." "Can you recall a time when a significant someone in your life sat down with the sole purpose of wanting to know your heart more deeply, fully expecting to enjoy what they found there?" (p. 83)

"More people have climbed Mount Everest than have experienced real pursuit and so what are we left to conclude? ... That there is nothing in our hearts worth knowing. Who ever and what ever this mystery called 'I' must be, it can not be much." (p. 84)

God designed women with unique longings and desires. It is no "mistake" that we desire to be loved. It is not "weird" to want to be wanted. It is God's divine design. It is NORMAL. These are right and good. If you have ever studied psychology, you know that every person NEEDS to be touched. We need to be given attention. We need safe attachments; we need to feel secure and significant."

Personally, I believe that every woman needs to know that she is: lovable and valuable; attractive and beautiful; interesting and worth being pursued. Every woman needs to know that her presence makes a difference and she brings something unique to every situation. She needs reassurance that the future will not always be as bleak as it now seems.

She needs to experience healthy dynamics in each of her unique relationships (as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend). She needs to be believe that there are a "few" people with whom she can really be herself and still be accepted ... if not celebrated.

All of these deep needs can be and will be met in our relationships with: God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. As we know each person of the God-head for who they really are ... and ... as we are able to love them and be loved by them, our deepest needs will be met. When these transactions happen we will become increasingly settled in our souls. As the love, acceptance, forgiveness, blessings, grace, mercy, (and everything else that one receives when they enter into the family of God), we will walk in a manner worthy of our calling.

We will not feel compelled to prove that we are OK or prove that we have value. We will have the ability to be in silence and solitude and not feel lonely at all. We will experience the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension. How does this happen? When we get to a place when we seek God simply for who He is and not for what He does. When we stop approaching Him as our "vending machine in the sky"; the "man" upstairs; our co-pilot; or a "god" we simply put in a box and only call on him when we need or want something; when we truly experience His love, character and ways; when we accept that we are unequivocally forgiven, adored, and accepted by the God of the universe ... something within us happens. We begin to see Him as He is. He is the father that we always wanted but never had. He is the nurturer we longed for but never knew. He is the friend who is always faithful and He is the husband who will never leave us nor forsake us. When we really know God, something happens on the inside of us as women. We begin seeing ourselves as the daughters of a King and sisters of a Prince. We more readily accept the idea that there is a power-source indwelling us, who is able to give us courage, wisdom, power, determination, and perhaps most importantly ... HOPE. Think about it ...

Beside you in Christ,

Murphy